7 Ways to Deepen Connections and Build Community

Wednesday was when
Martin the gardener
asked, “How are you?”
And I started bawling
like a fool.
This sixty-year-old
Hispanic man
took me 
by the hand
saying, “It’s all right….
You’re gonna be okay.”

Both of us knew
his words weren’t true,
but it was the 
right thing to say.

I appreciated it
when he then confided
what had been 
troubling him.
And I realized
our kind exchange
is what it really means
to be okay.

~Lisa Poff

The pandemic shed light on the fact that a lack of regular engagement with others is detrimental to our mental health.  Studies found that there is value even in seemingly insignificant exchanges, such as those with the cashier at a grocery store.  Even though we may discount those types of exchanges, the loss of what formerly seemed trivial became noticeable for many and negatively impacted mental health.  

Connection isn’t just about proximity to others. It’s about being seen, heard, and valued for who you are. There’s power in feeling part of something greater than yourself, in knowing you belong not because you fit a mold but because you bring your authentic self to the table. If this resonates with you, if you’re seeking deeper bonds and a sense of community, I’d like to share some ways to begin. 

Why We Need Connection 

Stop for a moment and think about your best memory from the last year. Was it tied to an achievement? Or maybe something simpler—a shared laugh with a friend, a hug when you needed it the most, an unexpected text that made you feel less invisible? 

Humans are wired for connection. It’s in our biology. When we feel connected, we feel safe, understood, and loved. Without it, even the strongest among us start to fray at the edges. And yet, with the pace of life and the constant pull of social media, creating meaningful relationships can feel harder than ever. That's why it's so important to be intentional—because good relationships don’t just happen; they’re built. 

Here are seven ways to start laying that foundation. 

1. Be Brave Enough to Show Up as You Are 

You don’t have to present the “polished” version of yourself in every interaction. It’s hard to connect with someone who isn’t real. Vulnerability can be terrifying, but it’s also the birthplace of connection. 

Start small. Share a struggle or a story with someone you trust. When you show up fully, imperfections and all, you create space for others to do the same. And that’s where connection thrives—when we meet each other as our real, unfiltered selves. 

2. Ask Better Questions 

“How are you?” It’s knee-jerk, isn’t it? We ask it a dozen times a day, often without expecting anything more than a “Good, how are you?” in return. But connection deepens when you ask questions that invite someone to open up. 

Instead of “How are you?” try, “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What’s something that made you smile this week?” It’s surprising what people will share when invited to reflect beyond the surface. 

3. Find Your Local “Third Place” 

You have your home, your workplace (or school), but what about a third place? A spot where you can gather with others to share something—a hobby, a meal, a conversation. It could be a coffee shop, a book club, a volunteer group, community theater or even an exercise class. 

Over time, you will likely meet people who may become your closest friends. The hobby becomes secondary to the lifelong connections formed. 

4. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond 

This one sounds simple, but it’s a game-changer. Too often, we find ourselves formulating what to say next instead of truly hearing someone. 

Try this the next time you’re in a conversation: Pause. Resist the urge to offer solutions or advice right away. Say, “That must have been hard,” or “Tell me more about that.” You’ll be amazed at how heard and valued the other person feels—and how deeply that simple act connects you. 

5. Offer Help Before It's Asked For 

Once a neighbor noticed that I hadn’t dragged my trash bins out on a rainy Monday morning. Without a word, he did it for me. Such a small, seemingly insignificant act, but it carried weight. 

Start looking for quiet ways you can support others, even if they haven’t asked for it yet. Drop off a meal for a friend going through a hard time. Send a handwritten note just because. These gestures help create community. 

6. Prioritize Quality Over Quantity 

Countless friends do not equal happiness. It’s not about how many people know your name; it’s about how fully one or two people know your heart. 

If deepening connections feels overwhelming, start with just one person. Have lunch with a coworker you’ve been meaning to get to know better. Call an old friend you’ve lost touch with post pandemic.  Connection doesn’t need grand gestures. Sometimes, it’s a cup of coffee, a phone call, or just being present. 

7. Join Communities Rooted in Shared Values 

There’s magic in coming together with people who care about what you care about. Whether you find them through an online group or an in-person meetup, shared values create powerful bonds. 

Some people connect over their kids, doing community service, or at church.  Finding like-minded people can be the cornerstone of community.  

How Will You Build Connections Today? 

If any of these steps resonate with you, start today. Pick one small change you can make—a phone call, a question, an hour spent in a local “third place.” 

And if the thought of navigating this feels daunting or brings up deeper emotions, there’s a way forward. Therapy is one space where relationships, including the one you have with yourself, can find healing and growth. 

You don’t have to build connection or community alone. If you’re ready to explore these paths with support, I’m here to help.